body positivity – Semita's Space

The idea of homeostasis arises from biology and the scientific realm. It is the body’s ability returning to a sense of normalcy and balance. Your body sweats in order to keep the body temperature at 98.6. Your body has white blood cells and antibodies to help bring your body back to normal when you get sick. As I write this, I think I have found my form of homeostasis with my health; body, mind, and spirit.

When COVID first hit, I was already struggling to figure out a workout routine. When I was in my last year of undergrad, I was working out consistently. I was working out 3-4 times a week and did various workouts. I felt as if there was no way of getting back to that when everything hit the fan. When stress and workload tripled, I didn’t even try to work out. I was working longer hours and had stress and fear of COVID. I didn’t notice the effects of this on my body until I was trying to help a client do his assessment with the psychiatric nurse. He was being asked to step on the scale, so I said I would go first. When I saw that number on the scale, I panicked. I was almost 20 pounds heavier than I was pre COVID. I was at my heaviest weight, sure I wasn’t the heaviest person in the world. But it felt like all the work I put into myself was gone. That I stopped caring for myself in order to care for others.

That was in October of 2020, and it was still months before I would actually find balance. I just knew something had to change at that moment. It was around this time when I was trying to figure out what I liked to do. I remembered how much I loved cycling, so I began researching what bikes would do well. I did end up going with the peloton. My boyfriend helped me purchase it and I saved up for weeks. I got it towards the end of November, I was consistently on it. Then the December holiday season rolled around, and I was working even more. So I fell off for a bit.

Come January, my friends and I were talking about doing more yoga. So we set up a discord and scheduled out virtual yoga. We began doing yoga 2x a week. This was the starting point of where I am now. It brought me consistency which is important to see any change and find balance. This was a good way to start finding my strength.

As I continued through this, a friend of mine was also trying to find a way to work out consistently. So we began running during March. I used to keep a consistent pace of 9:30 and could run for 2 miles. But I was struggling to do a mile at 13 minutes. It was very disheartening to see how much I stopped caring for myself. It was a battle in my mind, to get back into it you can do it and how could you stop? It took me a while to be kind and forgiving for myself. After all, we are still going through a pandemic. Yet, the running had to go on pause for finals season. Since then I’ve run about 2-3 times but I’m hoping to get back into running consistently.

Along with that, I have started going to the gym. I was always anxious about going to the gym. About messing up in front of others at the gym, about not knowing what to do. Yet, my same friend used to go all the time pre-pandemic. It was a little less nerve racking when I went with her. I still have anxieties because I’m not super strong or have good form. Or even know what to do in the gym. But I am going and that is what matters at the end of the day.

Since starting this journey, I now work out anywhere between 3-5 days a week. It has been about a month of this routine. That is why I have not been posting, I have been trying to rediscover my health. I have been trying to return to my homeostasis. Where I am working out, I am taking time out for myself, and I feel good. Sure the number on the scale is what kickstarted this but it is not the factor that I am chasing after. I am not chasing after a low number on the scale, I am looking for strength and to feel good. I want to have energy to move and be happy. Being a female, the number on the scale is going to fluctuate regardless of what I do. The scale is not a good measure of health. But how I feel in my skin matters, how strong I feel matters, how confident I am in myself matters.

Body Neutrality is a term that has crossed my radar this year. I have been in the camp of body negativity and I have dabbled with body positivity. Unbeknownst to me, I was never really content with my body. Even with all the positivity in the world, it would not take away the years of negativity and the negativity did not remove when I did feel good about myself. I was never meant to pick a side on this scale, I was meant to find a middle point.

Body negativity was easy to pick up. It is easy to be negative when you have a society and social media showing you all the things you do not have. It is easy when you grow up with other girls who are also pointing out what they hate about their bodies. You see them as beautiful and can’t believe they would talk so poorly about themselves. Yet, here you are talking down to yourself. It takes years to even fully recognize that you are in this cycle.

Once I was in my senior year of high school, I decided I was done with the cycle. I had started the road toward body positivity. I was choosing only the clothing that made me feel good. I was doing my makeup before school. Throughout college I kept working on my mindset that I was beautiful. I learned how to love the gap in my teeth. I began smiling with my teeth showing. I loved my face without makeup and with makeup. I absolutely loved my body.

I hit a roadblock after my sophomore year of college. I was going through a hard time and going to therapy. I gained at least 10-15lbs in a short span of time. I was back into my cycle of negativity. It was like all those years of work were for nothing. It took me months before I decided to do something about it. My therapist kept telling me about the benefits of exercise within the realm of mental health. That it would be good for me. So with my boyfriend’s help, I started running. Mind you I had never worked out a day in my life before. My high school gym teachers were lucky if I half-assed something.

It took me a few months before I liked running and working out. Once I did, I kept doing it a few times a month. I felt strong in my body. This helped me back toward the body positivity train. I was strong and I was confident in myself. I continued my work in therapy and worked on my mindset. I was back to loving myself and my body. I was positive about who I was as a person and what I would do. I was going so well.

Until I was not, when COVID hit I was one of many who gained weight. Those 10-15lbs I had lost and felt strong, were back and I was not in a good headspace. I was not concerned about the weight anymore but the headspace was not where I wanted to be. Me being me, I wanted to work toward that positive headspace again. I never realized that I had fallen into a cycle. I was going back and forth between body negativity and positivity. It was at this moment that I heard the term of body neutrality. I was watching a video by Carrie Dayton who introduced me to this term. It is the idea that you do not have to always be positive about your body nor do you need to be negative about it. Your body is just that, your body. Not a positive stimulus or a negative stimulus. That its function is to keep you alive and help you go about your day.

This new perspective is taking some time to adjust to. I want to revert to either end of the spectrum, almost each day. But I constantly remind myself that that is not what my body is for. I’m tired of ping ponging back and forth between being so hard on my body and so positive about it. I don’t need to think of myself as a snack to provide my body with what it needs. Nor do I need to deprive my body because it is not this idealized body in society’s eyes. I do not need to worry about what a scale says about my weight. I just need to fuel it with what is good and exercise because it boosts my mood. That’s it.

Semita's Space

Space for studying and thriving thoughout grad school.

Tag: body positivity

Body Neutrality for 2021